Something beautiful

What do you do when you realize the one thing that you have been hoping and praying for isn’t going to happen? What do you do when you realize that God isn’t going to heal your child, spouse, or friend? That is a question I have been wrestling with for years now. When my older two kids had their developmental delays they came out of it and are now really good students. BUT my Zachary he is now 9, and the realization that he won’t ever be normal hits harder with each birthday. When they tell you your son is developmentally at the 18 month level at 9 you wonder if he will ever talk or be even close to "normal."

What do I do with that, when I believe that God is good, He loves me and Zachary and wants the best for us. That’s what the Bible says. I have to either choose to believe what the Bible says…. or choose to turn away into my human sadness, bitterness. It is a struggle I have to make a choice each morning to believe that God has a purpose in Autism. I hate that word. I hate the essence of what it means. A son that has never had a conversation with me, made a friend. I never know what makes him sad or happy, or what he did while at school that day.

This week Isaiah 55:11 has been hitting me square in the eyes. You wouldn’t think you would find a gem that would be so convicting hidden away in Isaiah. Here it is to convict me again starting with verse 10 to get the gist of it: “¹⁰ As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, ¹¹ so is my word that goes out from my mouth:  It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”

 But will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it, what Lord?! But this has been gut wrenching, heart breaking, what will this achieve? I have to rest in that it will achieve His purpose. That it will produce something beautiful from these tears and human pain; that Zachary’s disability could be something beautiful.

I will continue to struggle until the day I see Jesus’ face and He makes my son well. But while here on earth I can rest in knowing my God must have a bigger plan for this that my finite mind can’t see or understand. May He make something beautiful from our tears here on earth.

Until next time friend keep seeking His face through each and every why, and heartache.